Annie O'Brien

How to raise happy kids -this is a question asked by many parents. Mostly all parents want to have a happy child.  So, what makes a child happy?  Happiness in a child can take many forms – it could be mastering a particular skill, finding joy in things they do every day, knowing they are loved, having good friends, or it could just be a part of their personality to be happy.

Children come in all shapes, sizes and personalities, as we all know.  Some children are naturally happy, others more sombre. You can’t make a child feel happy.  If you put them in a bubble and give them everything they want, they will not be well equipped for life as an adult.  You won’t be doing them any favours. By nurturing your own happiness, and showing your child this, their own happiness is more likely to follow naturally.

We all have down times, and a child is no exception.  Reassure them that it’s okay to not always be happy.  If we were not sad sometimes, we would then not recognise it when we are happy.

Happy children do tend to have high self esteem. They are optimistic and open to new ideas and all of life’s possibilities. A child finds their sense of belonging at home, at school, in the neighbourhood and any clubs they might be in. They are at their happiest when they can be doing something they love. Encourage them, and support them, as much as possible. Their most crucial connection is to you, the parent. 

E-motion Cards could help you, if you have a child with ASD.  ASD is diagnosed with a Triad of impairments involving social/emotional interaction, communication, and flexible imaginative functions, (which comes with restrictive behaviours and interests.)

E-motion Cards are an excellent resource for addressing all of the above Triads.

HOW?

The flexibility of the cards allows them to be used in a variety of ways. They are large, easy to handle, and beautifully illustrated with the capability to grab the attention of those in any ASD age group.

E-motion Cards provide development and awareness of emotions, with possible solutions for concerning emotions before they escalate.

A non verbal child picks up a card that shows the emotion they are feeling. It speaks for them.  Or if your child is verbal they are then able to tell a story about the card they see.

A child can choose a card from the stacked deck of photo cards and talk about a time they might have felt like this.

Cards are used as prompts. eg “I feel sad when….” I feel happy when…”

The emotion can be mimed – kids love this, especially when you pull the face of the emotion with them. It might also be helpful to video the child so they can see the emotion on their own face.

Best Tip! Don’t like SURPRISES? Carry a copy of the SURPRISE photo card in your bag for unexpected surprises that come up. Pull it out before the SURPRISE actually happens. Forewarned is fore-armed.

E-motion Cards are being used in schools, family, and counselling environments, and can be used as a tool to explain some of your child’s inappropriate behaviour. E-motion Cards could help you deal with your child’s emotions in a constructive, practical way, taking away some of the frustrations of the day, for both of you.

Teaching kids about money is not easy. Being told you can’t have something when “all my friends have one,” is a catchcry most parents hear. And then when it is finally bought for them, they don’t value it. I think some kids literally think money grows on trees! This generation needs to be made more financially aware, and not be making the same mistakes, the older generation has made. Unfortunately, the school system doesn’t teach children much about money or finances.   Ultimately, as a parent, the buck stops with you.

The sooner you start teaching your child about money, the better off they will be. They will be able to be more financially informed when they become adults. The first thing you need to do is to speak to them at an adult level, not as a child. Even get down to their level on the floor if that happens to be where they’re sitting.

Explain to them, you are not able to say “yes” to them every time they ask for money, or a new toy, or treats. Perhaps, if they are old enough, tell them what your salary is each week, and what has to come out of that salary to support and house the family. Even show them your Credit Card Statements so they get an idea how easy it is to run up debt, and how important it is to pay your accounts on time.

Then there’s the age old question. Should your child be given pocket money, or use another method? Pocket money is a great idea, as your child can then show more restraint, if that pocket money is to cover everything for them. Or you can allow them a monthly budget for toys, or anything else they want. And keep them posted as to how much is left. When it’s their money, it makes a difference. They will have more respect for how quickly it can dwindle.

As a child, we had weekly banking at school, and we trotted along with our bank books in hand. We loved to see that balance grow, and we never touched that money. A perfect time to encourage saving with your child, is if they’ve received money for their birthday or Christmas. You might suggest taking your child to the bank, and help him open a savings account, a great way of encouraging him to have some financial responsibility. Opening a Savings Account for your child, will give them an awareness of how quickly their balance can grow.

There are many advantages to teaching your child about money, and you will be doing them a disservice if you don’t start now. Your child needs to know that you not only say “no” to them, you say “no” to yourself often too.

Does your child have pocket money? Or a bank account? Maybe you have some additional ideas on teaching kids about money….

The tween years are often a shock to parents, especially when their child starts acting like a teen. Let’s not forget – they are still a child. They will argue intensely, and brilliantly, then turn around and do something completely stupid, that shows no common sense.

The Middle School Years is a time of huge transitions with all it’s ups and downs. It’s almost like being back in the toddler training years, with constant negotiation and sullen “yes,” or “no” answers to your questions. The tween years can be terrible or terrifIc. It depends on how involved and bonded you remain with your child.

This is biggest danger for tweens,  that they lose that connection to their parents, in their struggle to find their place in their peer world. And, the biggest danger for the parents, is, in their fear of losing their influence over their child, they resort to power parenting. A sure way to erode that bond.

In the tween years, everything needs to be renegotiated. It is a challenging time – homework, discipline, time with family, time with friends, activities. Some tweens will no longer want to spend time with family. They’re striving for independence, and dealing with a maturing physical body, that’s raging with hormones. They need some leeway. Of course, they’re going to be moody. Parents do sometimes react to all these changes in their once happy, communicative child, by distancing themselves. This is not what your child really wants. They need to know that they have a safe family nest, that they can launch themselves from, into the exciting outside world. You are their anchor, and if they don’t have that, they will find it in their peer group.

If you want to make it through the tween years, then you will need to hold on tightly to that bond you have with your child, while still giving them the appropriate freedom for their age

How can you do that?

• Stay connected. Eat together as a family at night. It’s a great way to catch up on the day’s activities with your child. Spend private time with your tween, even schedule regular alone time for an outing – lunch, or a walk. Drives in the car are good. Less threatening as you’re not looking directly at your child.
• Agree on some standards, and enforce them. No online chatting or TV until homework is completed. Be empathic when they rebel against these standards. It’s them fighting for independence. You have your values though, and need to stick to them.
• Those dreaded hormones. Your child’s body is changing. It creates mood swings, competitiveness, and preoccupation with the opposite sex. Your tween can “lose it” without them really understanding why. Give them time to calm down, and tell them that it can be discussed when they are feeling calmer, and ready to talk about it. Later, you can give them a hug, and really listen to their argument. Even if you don’t agree with them, acknowledge their point of view.
• You might have to rethink on discipline. Once your child reaches this age, any power punishment will be met with, “you can’t make me.” Even consequences will only work for a short time. You won’t win a power struggle. Keeping that bond will give you better leverage.
• Please don’t take it personally. Difficult, I know, when your child is telling you, “I wish you were dead.” Your instant reaction will be to withdraw, but take a deep breath, and stand quietly. This does not mean you are condoning their behaviour. It’s about staying connected and acting respectfully. This is the way your tween is going to learn respect – from you, their role model.
• They are finding their own identity. This often means weird fashion and haircuts. Don’t make a big deal of these. Their music may not be to your taste either. Pick your fights. Support their real passions, take an interest in what they’re doing.
• Teaching them about values. They will love to hear stories about you in your tween years. Keep them positive stories, rather than negative. It’s reassuring for them to know that all kids their age have challenges. Ask questions, rather than lecture. This teaches them about empathy, and listening.
• Keep on top of schoolwork. They might need your help with time management, particularly with big projects, that they need to work on over time. Attending a school where good results are considered cool, will help.
• All tweens need a good night’s sleep. At least nine hours a night. Regular protein and exercise will mean a well adjusted child by the time they reach their tween years.
• Some tweens might become anxious. They will worry about leaving the support of the family home down the track. It’s scarey, all these changes in their body and having to deal with peer pressure. Let them be close and cling for awhile. This will usually pass.

Last of all, be that role model for your child. Your actions, even more so than your words, will help your tween with good moral, and ethical standards in the tween years.

This one is a little left of outfield, but, think of our energy as personal empowerment, and it is quite relevant to how our emotions are affected. We exchange energy on a daily basis – for better or worse. Child, and Adult alike. Energy exchange has come up in recent days for me. Firstly, we talked about it the other day in my Aura Workshop. Energy depletion does come from the limitation we place on our daily lives. And there are different ways we give away energy, sometimes it is blatant, and in other ways, it’s more subtle.

For example: You live with a person for a number of years, whether that be a partner, parents, children, or friends. You’ve had a wonderful day – lunch with friends, a couple of wines, a few compliments, and you’re feeling great. Your partner, or whoever you share a house with,comes home, and they’ve had a really crap day. They don’t want to know about your lovely day, they want you to know about their awful day! What happens to your energy? It plummets. This is the subtle way we give away energy.

In a more blatant manner, you might find yourself doing something you didn’t want to do. This was your one day to yourself to relax, read a book, and do nothing. You forgot about that little word called, “No.” And when you do say it, you make it a sentence. “No, I can’t because….” No need for that sentence. And yet we all do it.

In schools, peer pressure is a biggie. Kids so desperately want to belong, and they then find themselves doing things they wouldn’t normally do, just to be part of the group. Giving away their energy. And it’s hard with peer pressure, because the energy of the whole group is much more powerful than it is with a single person .   Adults, of course, are still subject to peer pressure – in work, with friends and family. Ticking some boxes here are we?

And, we all know at least that one person who is an energy drain.  We know, when we see them coming, we know we are going to feel absolutely drained by the end of their visit. Uh huh…some of them know they are doing it, and that they are going to feel better when they leave your place. They’ve come for that specific reason. Others may not be aware of what they’re doing. Still, they are what I call “energy vampires.” A little tip here… if you’re able to visualise. Put up a mirror in front of you, which is facing outwards. This reflects their energy back to themselves, and you won’t take it on, or let it drain you.

Yesterday, for me, was the perfect example of a fair energy exchange. I met up with a friend, Betsy Mills, who I hadn’t seen in a long while. It was great. We both talked, and talked, about everything, really. Probably not a subject we didn’t touch on. It wasn’t even as if we were trying to solve all the problems of the world…as if! I walked away from that catch up, feeling at peace, but also energised. These are the friends we should keep around, friends who enhance our growth, and there is a mutual expansion of energy.

If you could think of energy as a currency, and be more mindful of how you spend it, life would be much easier.  Think of energy as personal empowerment. How are you giving your power away?

When your child lies , sometimes without even thinking, they can dig themselves in even deeper. “Who put the water jug back empty?” And there he is! That  invisible person. You’ve never met him, but he lives in your house: “Not me.” Not Me is to blame in a lot of houses, I believe. He gets around. Your child knows he is lying. You know he’s lying. He knows you know he’s lying. Deeper hole. Dig yourself out of that one. What’s he going to do? “I saw Adam in the fridge a little while ago, it was probably him.” Two lies! So, now he’s blaming his brother. The truth gets lost. You are getting angrier and now there are more problems to deal with. The lying, blaming his brother, and your anger. Uh huh…

This is the moment when you just want their father to come in and take over! Of course, there is some fear that’s related to the lies, particularly if Mum has a short fuse, and has had a bad day. Kids worry about reactions, and what the punishment might be.

And, kids lie for lots of reasons:

• To get out of homework eg “Have you done your homework?” “We didn’t have any today.” Lie.

• To get out of doing something they don’t want to do. eg “Did you do poo patrol of the yard this afternoon?” “I have pains in my stomach.”Lie. I wouldn’t want to do it either, but they’ve been playing outside all afternoon – dodging the dog poo.

• Sometimes to get attention and build themselves up, when they know you know the lie. eg “I nearly came first in my race at sports day today.” You know he was a pretty poor fifth, because you were there! Tall story. Harmless…maybe.

• Taking advantage of Grandma. eg “Mum lets me have lollies at home.” You know that anything sugar related is banned at home. Nice try!

• When the school rings you with a detention report. eg “How was school today?” “Yeah, fine.” “Nothing unusual happen today then?” “Nope”. Two lies!

Oh my Lord! So, when is it okay to lie? And how do you explain this to kids? “Do I look fat in these jeans?” your wife asks, with overflowing muffin tops, in jeans two sizes too small. “No, you look fine.” How are your children meant to understand that?! “Dad you lied – Mum looks so fat in those jeans.” It must be  confusing for them. They will work it out as they get older, and realise what’s appropriate and what’s not.

Here’s the bad news…children can lie, from as young as the age of three. This is about the time your child realises you are not a mind reader, and you don’t know everything. At 4-6 years, of age, they may have become better at lying, by having the facial expressions and tone to match the lie. They fold pretty quickly once you ask them to explain, and will usually ‘fess up. Once they hit school age, they have become better at lying, and will have a more complex lie, because they have more words, and a better understanding of how people think.

Once you can explain to your child the difference between what’s truth and what’s not, you can support them and encourage them to tell the truth. If the lie is a deliberate one, let them know that it’s not OK. Explain to them about trust, and how you might not be able to trust they are telling the truth in future.

If you do catch them out, for goodness sake, do avoid calling them a liar. This could be a label they will live their life through. Help them avoid situations where they feel they need to lie. The empty water jug, for instance. You could say something like, “I notice an empty water jug in the fridge, let’s fill it up.” If they are bragging, to get attention, as in the race they nearly came first in – give them more praise ,when they have learned something new, done well in school, or played a good footie match. This is what they’re seeking, and this helps them boost their self esteem. And perhaps, a reward system might help to let him earn from the good behaviour.

There should be clear rules and consequences in the house, about what is acceptable behaviour in your family. If they have been honest, praise them -“I’m really glad you told me the truth. I like it when you’re honest.” This sends a message that they aren’t going to get into trouble if they own up. Yes, there are consequences for some lies. Let them know, when you know, they aren’t telling the truth. The message you are giving is that, honesty is important to you.

Naturally, if lying continues, then you will work out your own consequences, for when your child lies. They should know that there will be consequences, and that you will follow through with them. I used to always tell my kids, the old story of ‘The Boy who Cried Wolf’ ,which gives a fair idea of some big consequences of lying. That will scare the pants off them!

Children as young as eleven are using ice.  It’s hard believe isn’t it?  Yes, and this is in Australia. By the end of this year, there will be 280,000 primary school students across Australia, some of them as young as eight, who will be taught about methamphetamine, commonly known as ice.

The reason for this program is because, it has been reported, that children as young as eleven are experimenting with this drug. Magistrate Stella Sruthridge, from Victoria, has seen those from this age group struggling, and in fact, she says some of these will be in her court before they reach fifteen.

Some of you, may think it’s too young to start educating on drug use. I would have been one of these people, until I read a recent news article about it. The age group the program is targeting is not the kids who are using ice. The aim is to get them early, and give them the tools to take into their teenage years. Tools that will keep them safe, and have them make healthy choices.

Ice is a new drug, and the culture around it is still forming. Temptation to try something new, is there for some kids. It’s a natural part of  adolescence to want to experiment with things, even though parents might not want them to. If you keep a close eye on your child, and even if you don’t…it happens. But you definitely don’t want it to happen with ice.

Ice is a difficult drug to quit. It’s causing damage to growing brains, and is devastating whole communities. Teachers are dealing with the flow on effect, with children turning up for school suffering from anxiety, because family members are addicts. The family is dysfunctional. Sometimes the children aren’t fed, or cared for at home. It’s heartbreaking.

Cannabis and other drugs, including alcohol, have been around for years, and have been commonly abused by kids who like experimenting. These drugs, while causing damage to their brains as well, have nowhere near the effect of ice.

Ice is now in epidemic proportion and is all pervasive. There are no demographics or socio-economic specific. Once, it would have been mostly the disadvantaged kids who tried drugs. Now, it’s happening with kids that come from very good families, and schools. Dealers can be friends of the family, even relatives. They’re ordinary people in the community, some of whom have become dealers, to feed their habit. It is very scarey.

There’s always a fear that dealers will target schools,with a captive audience of students. Youth Support and Advocacy Service Chief Executive Paul Bird, did say, he was yet to see evidence of ice filtering into schools, but agreed there was a high level of anxiety about the prevalence in the broader community.

It’s not good enough to just say “no” to your child. Children’s minds are much more inquisitive these days, and they will want to know the “why”. There is a positive culture built up around ice, and it’s less expensive than other drugs, and easily made, therefore, more available.

The question I ask here, is this. Do you want to arm your eight year old with information, so they can be educated about ice? I don’t have an eight year old, but, I think if I did, I would be saying, “Too right!”

Does your child like reading? Are we raising a generation of non-readers? University professors say that students don’t read anymore, because their eyes are always glued to their i-phones, and they are losing the value of literature. I truly hope this isn’t the case, however, I do believe that if the parents are readers, then there’s a better chance the child will be.

Children aren’t born with this natural aversion to reading. When younger, they loved to be read aloud to, and had their favourite books they carried around with them. Children who don’t read, usually have poor reading skills, and it’s very difficult for them. They can easily get left behind in class.

There can be many reasons why your child doesn’t like reading, and it is helpful to figure out what that reason is. Once a child starts to learn how to read again, they will discover a world of fantasy, and discover how much fun it can be.

Here’s what some kids say about reading, along with some possible solutions for you to work with:

• It’s boring. Expose them to a different way of reading at home. Take them to the library, and help them choose a book on something they are interested in.
• Don’t have time. Yes, life is busy. Especially with school, friends, extracurricular activities, and homework. Set up a timetable for all of these activities with a scheduled reading time.
• It’s too hard. It is a struggle for some kids, if their reading is slow – they may not even remember what they read the previous sentence. Time to talk to the teacher, and see if there are any learning difficulties.  The teacher might be able to recommend books that are at your child’s level and reading ability. Have their eyes checked before jumping to conclusions of dyslexia.
• Reading isn’t important. Reading is very relevant to any child’s learning. Even if they want to Google something, they will need to be able to read, and understand what it is they are reading. Parents can find reading on subject matters that do matter to their kids. Also helpful if your child sees you reading as well.
• Reading isn’t fun. Sometimes, reading can cause anxiety in a child who has difficulty reading. There is pressure from school and home, even for the good readers, and reading becomes a chore. Take the pressure off, so your child can enjoy what they read.

The first thing to do, of course, if you don’t already know,  is to ask the question – does your child like reading? And why don’t they? One great way to get your child reading is to give them choices. Let them choose the book they want to read. Some kids like reading adventure, others mysteries. Once they do find a genre they like, you won’t be able to keep your happy reader down.

Every child has a favourite toy. Whether that’s a cuddle toy or some toy that’s very precious to them, it has a memory attached to it. My favourite toy as a child was a beautiful bride doll called Franki. She was a gorgeous porcelain doll with a pink dress and a veil. A friend of my Dad’s, who was a jockey, won her in a raffle, and he gave her to me. I thought all my Christmas’s had come at once, and still have photos of her.

My daughter, Kylie, had a stuffed Beagle dog, named Fred, who came with us for every one of our many moves. Then, he got lost when she was about twelve. She was heartbroken. Surprisingly, he turned up in a box, which had never been unpacked, when she was about nineteen. It was like finding an old dear friend.

My granddaughter, Emily had a doll, called Mandy  who was taken everywhere – on overseas trips, to hospital, to the shops. Her hair became pretty much a disgrace over time, so Emily and her Mum went off to the doll hospital to get her some new hair, only for Emily to change her mind, saying, she loved her just like she was. Bonnets were the compromise. When Emily’s Mum got married,  Mandy was there, with her new dress, made especially for the wedding, and carried by her grandmother. Mandy would have been in the wedding party if Emily had her way!

So, why this attachment to favourite toys? A comfort toy gives a child a sense of who they are. Some children give their toys soul. They give their toy a name, they wrap it up, they feed it, and they’re inseparable. They feel safe when they have it with them. The toy becomes a guardian and comfort for them.  Usually, children will grow out of this habit by about eight, although don’t be dismayed if they don’t. Some adults still have their favourite toy from childhood! Umm…I just might have had my favourite pillow from 2 years old until I was thirty!

Most children will make some changes when they start school, as they won’t want to be ridiculed by their peers. If they still haven’t weaned themselves from their favourite toy, tuck it in their school bag. It’s not worth them becoming distressed about leaving it at home.

Have a word to the teacher, and if she is in the picture, she/he might organise a show and tell day, where all the favourite toys can be brought to school and talked about.

We have all experienced the tears from our child after a toy is lost. Back up toys do not often work, and your child will grieve, if the toy is gone. Very important that you let them know you understand, and that it is very sad for them. So…what was your favourite toy when you were young?

PS Do you want to know why children hate you sending their favourite, manky toy off to the wash? Because you are washing all their energy out of the toy…their favourite toy holds their own energy, and this is part of the attraction. It basically, has their stamp on it!