The tween years are often a shock to parents, especially when their child starts acting like a teen. Let’s not forget – they are still a child. They will argue intensely, and brilliantly, then turn around and do something completely stupid, that shows no common sense.
The Middle School Years is a time of huge transitions with all it’s ups and downs. It’s almost like being back in the toddler training years, with constant negotiation and sullen “yes,” or “no” answers to your questions. The tween years can be terrible or terrifIc. It depends on how involved and bonded you remain with your child.
This is biggest danger for tweens, that they lose that connection to their parents, in their struggle to find their place in their peer world. And, the biggest danger for the parents, is, in their fear of losing their influence over their child, they resort to power parenting. A sure way to erode that bond.
In the tween years, everything needs to be renegotiated. It is a challenging time – homework, discipline, time with family, time with friends, activities. Some tweens will no longer want to spend time with family. They’re striving for independence, and dealing with a maturing physical body, that’s raging with hormones. They need some leeway. Of course, they’re going to be moody. Parents do sometimes react to all these changes in their once happy, communicative child, by distancing themselves. This is not what your child really wants. They need to know that they have a safe family nest, that they can launch themselves from, into the exciting outside world. You are their anchor, and if they don’t have that, they will find it in their peer group.
If you want to make it through the tween years, then you will need to hold on tightly to that bond you have with your child, while still giving them the appropriate freedom for their age
How can you do that?
- Stay connected. Eat together as a family at night. It’s a great way to catch up on the day’s activities with your child. Spend private time with your tween, even schedule regular alone time for an outing – lunch, or a walk. Drives in the car are good. Less threatening as you’re not looking directly at your child.
- Agree on some standards, and enforce them. No online chatting or TV until homework is completed. Be empathic when they rebel against these standards. It’s them fighting for independence. You have your values though, and need to stick to them.
- Those dreaded hormones. Your child’s body is changing. It creates mood swings, competitiveness, and preoccupation with the opposite sex. Your tween can “lose it” without them really understanding why. Give them time to calm down, and tell them that it can be discussed when they are feeling calmer, and ready to talk about it. Later, you can give them a hug, and really listen to their argument. Even if you don’t agree with them, acknowledge their point of view.
- You might have to rethink on discipline. Once your child reaches this age, any power punishment will be met with, “you can’t make me.” Even consequences will only work for a short time. You won’t win a power struggle. Keeping that bond will give you better leverage.
- Please don’t take it personally. Difficult, I know, when your child is telling you, “I wish you were dead.” Your instant reaction will be to withdraw, but take a deep breath, and stand quietly. This does not mean you are condoning their behaviour. It’s about staying connected and acting respectfully. This is the way your tween is going to learn respect – from you, their role model.
- They are finding their own identity. This often means weird fashion and haircuts. Don’t make a big deal of these. Their music may not be to your taste either. Pick your fights. Support their real passions, take an interest in what they’re doing.
- Teaching them about values. They will love to hear stories about you in your tween years. Keep them positive stories, rather than negative. It’s reassuring for them to know that all kids their age have challenges. Ask questions, rather than lecture. This teaches them about empathy, and listening.
- Keep on top of schoolwork. They might need your help with time management, particularly with big projects, that they need to work on over time. Attending a school where good results are considered cool, will help.
- All tweens need a good night’s sleep. At least nine hours a night. Regular protein and exercise will mean a well adjusted child by the time they reach their tween years.
- Some tweens might become anxious. They will worry about leaving the support of the family home down the track. It’s scarey, all these changes in their body and having to deal with peer pressure. Let them be close and cling for awhile. This will usually pass.
Last of all, be that role model for your child. Your actions, even more so than your words, will help your tween with good moral, and ethical standards in the tween years.
